I had it all planned out. How I wanted this time around to be different. A pregnancy with lots of pictures to remember it, a well planned out birth with my doctor that had to include an epidural since with my first two I had very long and painful labors and settled for weak short lasting pain medication that made labor and delivery unbearable.
I would go into labor at home, get to the hospital, have my epidural and labor would be a good memory this time. This time would be different, I was going to breastfeed my baby even though I had formula fed my other two, we would come home and I would put our new baby on a schedule and within a few weeks everything would be perfect. That was my plan, but things turned out quite different.
After going to an appointment as I mentioned in my last blog entry and being sent to the hospital for an induction all within about a 2 hour time frame, that was the first negative in how I wanted things to go.
I didn't want an induction but I knew it was for the safety of the baby, oh well I thought it'll be ok. The doctor checked my cervix and I was 2 1/2 which wasn't enough to start pitocin (medicine to start contractions). He decided to put a medicine called cervadil on my cervix to ripen it for the next morning when he would then start pitocin.
The doctor did mention that some side effects of this could be contractions and ones that could be too strong and too close together but that usually didn't happen but if it did they would have to remove the medicine right away. I thought nothing of it but that the next morning after I recieved the pitocin then I could get my epidural and we'd have our baby by the next evening. The nurse put the little strip of medicine on my cervix and left us to wait for the next morning, that was at 6pm. By 6:30pm I noticed I was having alot of pain and regular contractions. I knew we weren't going to have to wait for the next day. I called the nurse for some pain medicine and she gave me some pills. About a half an hour later the pain was getting worse, I asked her for more medicine because the pills she gave me hadn't helped at all. She then gave me morphine which helped for about 45 minutes but made me extremely tired and dizzy. I got up to use the bathroom and noticed I was bleeding which worried me because I hadn't bled during labor with my other two. I called the nurse in and asked if the bleeding was normal, she said it was and that meant the medicine was doing its job ripening up the cervix. I asked for more pain meds but she didn't think I was ready for that, I knew I needed an epidural because it was just getting so bad. Not too long later (I'm not sure about all this because it was all a blur) she checked me because I was having so much pain and my contractions were every two minutes. (they had been from when they began) I was 4-5 cm already and while she was checking me my water broke. She said well your in labor and that she was going to start getting things ready and she removed the cervadil. I knew I HAD ALREADY been in labor and wondered why she wasn't listening to me about how bad it was and why she hadn't removed the cervadil earlier because it was causing the side effect of too strong and too close contractions. I asked for the epidural and she said I had to get two bags of IV fluids before they could give me an epidural. WHAT?! I thought. I was barely hanging on at that point. I had this horrible feeling that by the time those 2 bags of fluid were gone it would be too late for an epidural, I already felt an urge to push but I think at that time I was ignoring it because I just had to get that epidural. With each contraction my body tensed up so bad, I felt like my left hip was breaking and my whole body shook in agony. (What I can explain in words can't even compare to what I was feeling)
The nurse tried to start an IV but under all the pressure she blew out my vein and blood was everywhere. I started balling. The pain was so bad I wondered how am I going to live through this. I wanted to die. The nurse then tried again and blew out another one and then another one. I couldn't believe this was happening and while she was apologizing over and over again all I could do was brace myself for each contraction. I had to stand with one hand clenching the bed and the other clenched to my husbands shirt. The nurse finally got an IV after the 4th try. By then I was bleeding bad and she kept putting towels under my feet, I could barely lift my feet for her to do so. I NEEDED AN EPIDURAL, NOW! Frantically she hung the fluids and said that that after the second bag was close to being gone she would get the doctor to do my epidural.
As what seemed like an eternity for those two big bags to empty, when the second one was close to being gone and she left to get the anesthesiologist, all I could do to get through each contraction was the knowledge that shortly I would have pain relief, that was all that was getting me through. As I sobbed in my husbands chest after many more contractions and a long time, I desperately looked at my husband and asked,"whats taking them so long"? When the nurse finally came back she looked at me and said, "he doesn't want to give it to you." She said because I had visited the doctor 2 weeks earlier for a rapid heartbeat (something that I get often) he wanted to check bloodwork and other things first. WHAT!!! I KNEW IT I SCREAMED! I KNEW I WOULDN'T GET IT. My heart sank, I lost all hope, I never felt so helpless and hopeless in my life, I couldn't do this! I just kept repeating that, I can't do this, the pain was just too unbearable. I felt like vomiting from the pain and I looked the nurse in her face and said," Don't you see how bad I'm suffering"? She looked at me with a look on her face as helpless as I felt and said," I'm trying my best and I will help you get through this." In my mind I thought, you can't help me, nobody can. I begged for the epidural knowing it wasn't coming and even though there was no time for bloodwork they poked me anyway on top of everything else.
The nurse checked me and I was 10cm. I didn't want to do this. I knew this was it though, I had no choice. I started pushing while I was standing but knew I better lay down. I knew that I was the only one who could make this pain go away, I had to get this baby out. I prayed for GOD to help me through and felt a sense of peace knowing that God knew what I was going through, that he had suffered for his children too and that he would get me through this. I pushed with all of me and at 11:21pm my beautiful baby was born. They layed him on my chest and all the pain was gone, forgotten and such opposite emotions rushed over me. Love, peace, gratefulness.
My doctor got to the hospital too late,the nurse had delivered the baby but my doctor did make it to deliver the placenta. He examined it to make sure there were no missing pieces. He was so disgusted and ashamed that they hadn't given me an epidural, he knew that that was one thing I expressed to him that was a must.
In all the drama my IV had gotten torn out and another vein was ruined, my hand was pouring out blood. After the placenta came out I bled and bled. The nurse massaged my uterus so hard to stop the bleeding and at that point I just wanted everyone to leave me alone.
During my hospital stay of 3 days I had to recieve fluids for a rapid heart rate from being anemic and of course they blew out two more veins trying to start another IV. They had to have a special nurse get my IV in because they had exhausted all my veins. She said that my veins had gotten so weak from the traumatic labor and thats why that kept happening.
The Head nurse in charge came to talk to me about what had happened with the anesthesiologist and said that my labor and delivery nurse had really advocated on my behalf. The head nurse said that what happened with me not getting my epidural should have never happened and that he would be reprimanded. I didn't know what to say when she gave me the opportunity to express my feelings about my experience. At the time I was just glad it was over and all I could think of was enjoying my baby, I didn't want to think about it.
When I got home though, it hit me hard. My hands and arms were so bruised, I was pale and exhausted from being anemic. That was the beginning of my postpartum depression. All I could think of was how much I went through and it just hurt my heart so much, it wasn't suppose to have been that way.
I had started breastfeeding in the hospital right away as planned and to me it seemed like the baby and I were doing great together the first few days but then for the first 2 weeks I nursed almost constantly. When I got baby weighed at his 2 week checkup he wasn't even back to his birth weight yet. It seemed like he was never getting enough, I started to wonder if I had enough milk and I was so exhausted and started to get anxiety about it. I wasn't eating, sleeping or drinking much because I felt so down.
I started supplementing with formula when he was 2 weeks old and was going to call it quits but I just couldn't, I wanted to give it my all because it had become very special to me and I wanted it to work.
Breastfeeding turned out to be something I never imagined. During my pregnancy, I thought I would feel weird about breastfeeding and that it wouldn't be for me. I wanted to try it anyway and came to find out I loved the bond it gave us as mother and child, I loved that I was the only one who could give my baby such good nutrition and it came so naturally, it was just what nature intended and I felt very comfortable, proud to be doing it.
At 2 1/2 weeks postpartum I went in for an ultrasound because I was still having a lot of bleeding. They found that I had retained placenta fragments and needed to have surgery to remove them the next day. I was so worried because I had the same problem with my second child and the procedure to remove the placenta the last time almost cost me my life. Luckily the surgery went well and there were no complications. I did however find out that retained placenta can cause a low milk supply and so at 4 weeks postpartum I started taking the herb Fenugreek to try and increase my milk supply. It didn't seem to help and it made the baby and I smell like maple syrup lol!
At 5 weeks postpartum I went to see a lactation consultant and she suggested that I take a prescription drug called Reglan and do alot of pumping and nursing for a week to see if I could build up my milk supply. She wasn't sure I would be able to since I had a rocky start with my milk having had retained placenta and a low hemoglobin which can both adversely affect milk supply especially in the first few weeks which is the most crucial time in establishing a good supply.
Reglan is a medicine used in people who have slow emptying of the stomach but they found that it has a side effect of raising prolactin in the blood which is the hormone needed for milk production. The lactation consultant said that my doctor may be hesitant to give it to me because it has a known risk of causing severe postpartum depression. I figured I'd be fine since I already started antidepressants again and was starting to feel better emotionally. I started the meds and did notice a small increase in my milk. Then we started having problems with the baby vomiting all the time and being very fussy and difficult. I knew something was wrong with him but the doctors nor my mother believed me. Although I was still trying to breastfeed we were supplementing with a lot of formula too so we thought maybe it had something to do with the formula so we started switching formulas. Nothing helped. Finally the doctors found that the baby had pyloric stenosis, a condition that affects newborns usually during the first 8 weeks of life. The baby had to have surgery to correct it and after that I exclusively pumped breast milk for him while his tummy was healing. I pumped because all his intake had to be measured.
About 2 weeks after his surgery I switched him to soy formula and finally let myself stop breastfeeding. It was so hard but I have been having so much anxiety and my depression seems to be returning(part of which I think was thanks to the Reglan) that I've had to start my anti-anxiety medications and they are not recommended in breastfeeding. I did get to what is considered pretty close to a full supply, about 27 ounces (my lactation consultant said most woman dont' produce more than about 30oz a day) but that was with alot of pumping and nursing which gave me no time for my other children and that was all I was doing all day. Also after my lil mans surgery he is trying to catch up and is drinking about 4oz every two hours so even if I wasn't on meds I probably couldn't supply enough to satisfy him anyway. I did notice that after switching him to soy that his eczema on his face went away and the gurgling he had in his throat is gone too so maybe he did have a bit of an allergy to the regular formula and also to dairy that was passing from me through my breast milk to him. I still feel like I let him down and myself in a way but I just keep telling myself I did my best, gave it my all and that was all I could do, and my best is good enough.
These last few days I have been feeling very down and know that medicine isn't the answer. I want to try better more natural ways to feel better, So tomorrow I am going to try acupuncture. I am actually excited and hope that it will give me some relief. Even though I don't feel like it I want to get back to the gym too because excercise is supposed to help with anxiety. I also have an appointment to see a therapist to talk about what I have been going through.
It hasn't been easy but I know that I have 4 people that need me and love me and depend on me. They keep me going and right now my focus is on getting better so that I can be the mother and wife that I want to and that they need me to be.
the water was super warm and that the place was really hot, knowing how much my Lil peanut enjoys water I decided to let him try swimming for the first time. He seemed to really like it. Afterwards he was so worn out, he crashed out for a Lil nap, he was so cute. Here are some pictures from our adventure, the only one missing was daddy, but he had to work. It was a nice family day, and a nice end to the children's winter break. I am sure going to miss not having to take them to and from school each morning especially since that means not sleeping in with Gabriel anymore since he has become such an awesome snoozer. 
