What I want to be when I grow up

Most people when they are young, women especially, have a dream of what they want to be when they grow up. Naturally those things change many times as people grow and develop but most people end up having a pretty good idea where they are headed by the time they are in high school. Whether it be to go straight to college after graduation or to take a few years off to have fun and then go back, to go straight to a job or just slack off and party.

 As a young girl there were only 2 things I could ever remember saying I wanted to be, first was a veterinarian because I loved animals so much. Secondly though I'll never forget when my aunt asked me when I must have been about 8. My response was, I want to have a baby. She asked," have a baby and get married"? No I said just have a baby. I don't know why that was my answer but it was. She was shocked and made me tell her group of friends that day what I had said. I wondered why that was wrong of me but everyone wondered why in the world as a young girl that was my dream. I of course got lectured how I should do everything "the right" way first.

After that I really never thought about what I'd like to be. I never dreamed of marriage or a house with a white pickett fence or going to college to be somebody. My life once I was old enough was going to school and taking care of my little brother while our single mother worked to support three children and on her nights off hanging out with friends to try and have somewhat of a life and outlet. All I really wanted as a child was for my mother to be home with us, to have time to spend with her, to snuggle with her, to be loved. She didn't have time for that though, not because she didn't want to but because she didn't have time.

My brother and his girlfriend said today that they aren't sure if they ever want children and I definitely respect that. Children aren't for everyone and I commend people that know that. I never really knew what I wanted or maybe I did and that's why I had my first child at 16. Or maybe I was just looking for love in all the wrong places. Maybe with present parents, I would have grown up to "be someone" instead of being a teen mom. Maybe if I didn't have a third child I would have continued with school to be a nurse, and maybe if I wasn't now pregnant with my 4th I would have gone back soon. Maybe...

Now seeing Gabriel, the result of a vasectomy reversal after we thought we were done after two and the shock of a 4th so soon, all I can think of is that this is what I was meant to be, a mother, a good mother, a present mother, a mother that never has to burden her older children with the responsibility's of her role, a mother that always has the opportunity to snuggle with my children, to put them to bed every night and to make and eat every meal with them. A mother that doesn't have to work because my husband happily does to support his children and wife, a mother whose children will never have to feel alone because I am here...gladly

So I might not have dreamed this life for myself and I might have been trying to please everyone else by somehow trying to become something better than what I am. But I realized something. This is who I grew up to be, not by accident but because God knew I needed the love a family, a whole family. This is who I am and it fits me well, I never regret it nor would change it nor do I care what anyone thinks.  It may not be your idea of success but it is mine and I can be just as proud of my role as if I had graduated with a college degree. Maybe in the future I will be a nurse, someday when my children are grown and no longer need me.

Right now though I realize, this is the best job I could be doing and I am thankful that I am able to be here for every boring board game, every meltdown and sibling fight, every explosive, up the back poopy diaper, every goodnight mommy, your the best. Yeah this is what I wanted to be when I grew up, I finally know for sure (:

Definetly me, but he still loves me anyway

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

Chorus:
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way


So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
When I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

Chorus


Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changing
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to save me

Chorus


I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

~Bitch by Meredith Brooks

Remembering Me

Since I started having children, I've also always had a part time job or been in school. This is the longest  I have ever gone without doing either since school ended in may and I quit my job as a home health aide to just take care of myself while I was pregnant and the family. I always wanted to give up those things and just be an at home mom thinking that it would make life easier to not have outside worries so that I would have more energy for my family. I  have realized in these months of being home that it is easier per se but I notice that without an outside source of fulfillment, I don't feel like i am exercising my gifts within and that I get restless to do something just for me.

I am reading a  book called "The rules for marriage". One of the rules is "Keep up your own interests, have a life". I think a lot of people lose themselves throughout the course of a new relationship and then into a marriage. I think we feel like if we aren't giving 100% of who we are to our family, we somehow feel like we are doing something wrong.  I've learned over the years as a wife and a mother that if I don't keep up my own interests and allow my husband to do the same, that things get not only dull  but that we struggle more in our relationship and in being the parents we want to be.

Growing up, one thing that I remember about my dad and that still stands out to me to this day was his motivation to do physical activities. He was always teaching my brothers to play sports, or taking us sledding or to the park, EVERYTIME we saw him.Even now at family functions, his side of the family plays wiffle ball, we go bowling, have family golf tournaments or games of pictionary where everyone is roaring in laughter.He instilled that in us and i hope to instill that into my children. I want them to have the drive to live life to the fullest. Children learn what they live and I don't want them to think that all their is, is to be an at home mom or a dad that just works and watches tv.

Gabriel slept through the night for the first time last night and I told myself that once he did so I would start back to school. Summer session looks like it will be a good time to do that. I think ill start out slowly with just a class or two until I can get the feel for it again. I also think ill start a hobby class next month and return to weekly bible study. Anyway, when I start getting down on myself for wanting some me time I remember this, I'm only human and it's ok to feel that way, its not a bad thing and it helps me to be more content and happy, which in turn makes me a better mom and wife. Everyone wins.

Another Shower

Jena & I

Yesterday a few longtime friends of mine had a small shower for me. Molly, my grade school friend, recently bought her first house and so I got the chance to see it since that is where they had the shower. It was so nice to hang out and catch up with all of them and it made me realize that even though you may not see people all the time, that true friends are always just that and it is so easy to pick up where you left off. I feel truly blessed to have these women in my life.

Molly grilled burgers and brats for everyone and they had a bunch of other snack type foods, it was really good! Unfortunately I didn't get a picture with Molly which probably was ok with her since she tends to be camera shy, darn!

Today is my Mom's Birthday so I'm going to get started on making dinner for her and Olivia wants to make brownies. I think before that we will take a trip to the dog park so that there will be some peace around here and since our nice days are numbered and I love this fall weather.

More cute stuff for baby!

Sarah & I

Jena & Katie

Baby Shower

So today was my baby shower and the hosts were the ladies called "The Merry Martha's", a group of women that go to the church that my family and I became members of about a year and a half ago now.

When I first started attending this church I also attended their bible study on a regular basis and that is how I got the privilege to get to know this group of woman. I was the only young person who attended their Bible study but they welcomed me with open arms and I made new friends from a different walk of life.  They are so sweet and I am very thankful that they wanted to have a shower for me since I needed so many things still since it has been quite awhile since I have had a baby, so I hadn't saved anything.

 The food consisted of two hot dishes, fresh fruit and a beautiful cake. The baby got a whole bunch of nice gifts which included a very nice high chair, clothes, diapers, money and one of the women, "Lupe" had even knitted the baby a sweater with a matching hat. It was  a really nice time.

My Grandmother's

As I get more and more things in these last weeks before baby's arrival I still find it so hard to believe that I am really having a baby. I thought for sure after my last one that we were done. My husband and I decided he have a vasectomy after a complicated course postpartum due to my second child and so we thought we'd always be a family of 4. When we decided to have it reversed because we wanted a third child all these years later we assumed it would work right away. When it didn't after a year of trying and we found out there was a problem with me, I was crushed and we figured that it just wasn't meant to be. I prayed about it and to our shock and delight we became pregnant. During the first trimester I had two episodes of terrible bleeding and everyone thought I was miscarrying for sure, but I didn't. So here we are almost 2 years after my husbands reversal blessed in so many ways and our little miracle from God that we never that would be, will be here before we know it. I just really am thankful for all the wonderful things in my life and am so happy that through love there will be another person to share our lives with! Thank you Lord!

My friend Racquel

4 generations

My best friend