Most people when they are young, women especially, have a dream of what they want to be when they grow up. Naturally those things change many times as people grow and develop but most people end up having a pretty good idea where they are headed by the time they are in high school. Whether it be to go straight to college after graduation or to take a few years off to have fun and then go back, to go straight to a job or just slack off and party.
As a young girl there were only 2 things I could ever remember saying I wanted to be, first was a veterinarian because I loved animals so much. Secondly though I'll never forget when my aunt asked me when I must have been about 8. My response was, I want to have a baby. She asked," have a baby and get married"? No I said just have a baby. I don't know why that was my answer but it was. She was shocked and made me tell her group of friends that day what I had said. I wondered why that was wrong of me but everyone wondered why in the world as a young girl that was my dream. I of course got lectured how I should do everything "the right" way first.
After that I really never thought about what I'd like to be. I never dreamed of marriage or a house with a white pickett fence or going to college to be somebody. My life once I was old enough was going to school and taking care of my little brother while our single mother worked to support three children and on her nights off hanging out with friends to try and have somewhat of a life and outlet. All I really wanted as a child was for my mother to be home with us, to have time to spend with her, to snuggle with her, to be loved. She didn't have time for that though, not because she didn't want to but because she didn't have time.
My brother and his girlfriend said today that they aren't sure if they ever want children and I definitely respect that. Children aren't for everyone and I commend people that know that. I never really knew what I wanted or maybe I did and that's why I had my first child at 16. Or maybe I was just looking for love in all the wrong places. Maybe with present parents, I would have grown up to "be someone" instead of being a teen mom. Maybe if I didn't have a third child I would have continued with school to be a nurse, and maybe if I wasn't now pregnant with my 4th I would have gone back soon. Maybe...
Now seeing Gabriel, the result of a vasectomy reversal after we thought we were done after two and the shock of a 4th so soon, all I can think of is that this is what I was meant to be, a mother, a good mother, a present mother, a mother that never has to burden her older children with the responsibility's of her role, a mother that always has the opportunity to snuggle with my children, to put them to bed every night and to make and eat every meal with them. A mother that doesn't have to work because my husband happily does to support his children and wife, a mother whose children will never have to feel alone because I am here...gladly
So I might not have dreamed this life for myself and I might have been trying to please everyone else by somehow trying to become something better than what I am. But I realized something. This is who I grew up to be, not by accident but because God knew I needed the love a family, a whole family. This is who I am and it fits me well, I never regret it nor would change it nor do I care what anyone thinks. It may not be your idea of success but it is mine and I can be just as proud of my role as if I had graduated with a college degree. Maybe in the future I will be a nurse, someday when my children are grown and no longer need me.
Right now though I realize, this is the best job I could be doing and I am thankful that I am able to be here for every boring board game, every meltdown and sibling fight, every explosive, up the back poopy diaper, every goodnight mommy, your the best. Yeah this is what I wanted to be when I grew up, I finally know for sure (:
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